Reality Check

For the past few days, I have been feeling off.
I can't put a finger on it, something has just felt wrong.
Work has been dull, but not relaxed, and then my time at home afterwards has gone by fast, but not been enjoyed.

Today, however, I was reminded of my humanity.


I find it so easy to forget just why I need Grace.

I'll go through times when I'm reading very good things, I am feeling encouraged, I'm saying all the right things to all the right people. I feel like I am "doing well", perhaps - maybe, I even feel proud.

When we are doing well, we tend to notice. And when we notice something nice, we want other people to notice too.

So I feel as though I am "doing well", and I forget just why I need Grace.
It's as if I remember Grace as something that I needed "back then". Grace was a tool which I used to get out of that pit, "back then".
What a twisted mistake. It's such a subtle, naive, and even good hearted misunderstanding. My good intentions shroud the spine shattering truth, the truth of my sin.

The truth is hidden.

I was consistent in prayer, and high in hopes, I was encouraging in conversation, and ripe with peace, and I lost sight of the truth.

When I perceive myself as a person who is "doing well", I see success. And I tend to think that success merits a reward.

When I'm "doing well", I feel as though I'm earning something.
__________________________________________________________________________________

So when I'm doing well, I feel as though I'm accomplishing some mission, I'm earning something, I'm pleasing the Big Guy upstairs.. and then I start the gradual, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged, wander back into the state of "doing poorly".

When I eventually notice that I am not "doing well" anymore, I am struck with a terrifying shock.
You see, I get thinking that doing well is succeeding, and doing poorly is failing, and so when I do poorly, I have failed, and whatever mission I was accomplishing by "doing well" is failed, and the reward is lost.

This may seem obviously incorrect, and yes, it is incorrect, but I promise you, it is hard to notice when it is happening.

__________________________________________________________________________________



To use more specific terms, when I am "doing well" I feel as though I am securing my salvation. I feel as though I am justifying the Love that God has for me, as if He needs an excuse to do anything!

So when I start doing poorly, I feel as though I have failed at earning God's love, I feel as though I have lost that victory I was "doing well" to deserve.

It takes me so long to remember, the victory I work toward has already been won.
The Love of my Father is already decided.

I cannot earn more of His Love, because that is who He is. I cannot become His child any more than I am, because that is all that I am.

I am powerless to win, or lose my place in His heart, and when I start acknowledging my "successes", I only end up drifting further from it.

__________________________________________________________________________________


It is no wonder then, that I have been feeling off lately.
You see, I had forgotten that I need Grace every second. If not for Grace, I would not have even realized that I need it. I believe that there is no Peace apart from Grace. There is numbness, which has no discomfort in it, but there is no Peace.

Perhaps I am reading too far into three words, but I find great significance in Paul's letters when he greets people with the words "Grace and Peace to you".
Notice the order. He does not say "Peace and Grace to you", and again, maybe I'm over-thinking, but even so, Grace is necessary for Peace, and in that order.

__________________________________________________________________________________

For the past few days, I have been feeling off, and I think I know why. I had forgotten that I am a human who is the child of God, and not a human who is to be his own.

I remember now, I remember to let myself know that I am loved by God., without the spiritual cosmetics of "doing well", and without the self condemnation after "doing poorly", but only as the child of God who I am, the sinner and saint alike.

Let God be who he is to you.

Grace and Peace

Gareth